Several of us were sitting around City Hall - er, I mean Brew's Pub - in our little town of Granville the other night, when the conversation turned from the usual topic - local politics - and it was noted that the TV ratings for the Winter Olympics have been lagging behind those for Reality TV. We decided that the Olympics needed more exciting events. So we were thinking of new events to improve the Olympics. Admittedly, we were mildly under the influence of legal beverages at the time, which can influence one's judgment (fortunately, in Granville everyone can walk home), but some of the ideas still seem worth a chuckle, so I thought I'd post a few here:

Short Track Ice Dancing: Couples race around the rink at speeds up to 35 mph, while performing the Ravensburg Waltz.

Luge Moguls: Admit it - wouldn't luge be more exciting if they put a few of those big bumps at the end of the sled run?

Bob Sled Slalom: We're tired of hearing about how the drivers steer with all these little twitches on the steering mechanism that no one can even see. C'mon, put a big sled in an icy downhill tube, who couldn't get to the bottom? But let's find out if these drivers can negotiate a real course.

Biathalon: Sure, the Winter Games already have something called the Biathalon. The problem is that the current event mixes the wrong sports: Cross country skiing and riflery. We think the Biathalon should consists of Curling and Riflery. Just don't grap the gun when you mean to reach for the brush!

Skeleton Half Pipe: Skeleton racers plunge headfirst into the half pipe, shoot up the other side and attempt a backside 360 with flip. Watch the huckers bonk, pack and bail. Who wouldn't want to watch that?

Downhill Figure Skating (inspired by Bode Miller): Imagine the excitement as skaters roar down the slope at speeds approaching 70 mph. "Here comes the triple toe-loop... OH, I don't like the looks of this. Tell us what went wrong, here's Dick Button!"

500 meter speed skating free style: Judged on time and points for style.

Nordic 4 x 10km: In this event, which lasts over an hour, relay teams of 4 cross country skiers do several laps around a track, covering a total of 40 kilometers. We think it would be more exciting if several hungry polar bears were released in the area before hand.

We have no idea if any of these sports will catch on. We're not even sure they're funny ideas. But surely if a bunch of yahoo nimrods in a bar in Granville can come up with such things, the brainiacs at the IOC could come up with a few new twists on the Winter Games.